300 movie review

Shiny, overly plump pectorals, futile sensuality, and giant deformed mutant warriors: “This is Sparta!” If director Zack Snyder’s intentions were to remake Frank Miller’s graphic novel about the 480 B.C. battle of Thermopylae into a movie devoid of all sincerity, emotion, and depth, consider “300” a victory. Though Snyder has managed to make 300 Spartans spearing the blood-gushing arms and heads off of 250,000 mindless slave Persians delicious eye candy, the narration and dialogue is never anything but flaky puff. In fact, it’s one of those movies that would probably be more enjoyable to watch on mute.
Sure, it could be argued that almost all epic comic book movies contain cheesy one-liners. Movies like “Batman,” “Spiderman,” and “X-Men,” can, at times, project cheap, heroic discourse. “300,” though, is full-on cheapness, to the point that the cheesy one-liners and over-the-top battle elements are giggle inducing. Granted, Snyder was probably not trying to make us cry or leave the theater feeling differently about life, and he did an amazing job with the visual effects (which was basically the selling point of the movie), but it just seems like there was so much potential for the characters to be more than shallow battle automatons.
Despite opposition from corrupt members of the Spartan council and premonitions of death and doom from a beautiful thrusting naked chick oracle, Spartan King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) makes a defensive decision to leave his loyal Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey) and take 300 of his finest soldiers to war against power hungry Persian King Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro). Nothing else of substantial worth actually happens in this movie. Leonidas and his men grunt a lot, build a wall out of dead Persian slaves, fight some guys named the “Immortals” who wear really cool masks, refuse to kneel down to Xerxes, and eventually become pincushions.
Basically, the entire movie is constant spearing and blood, and if the battle scenes weren’t done as magnificently as they were, the movie would be more worthless than the hideous hunchback Spartan character who turns to the dark side after being snubbed by Leonidas. “300” has all the essential battle scene elements. Xerxes is completely jazzed out, arriving at the battleground on a behemoth set of stairs, which is carried on the backs of slaves. A tad more than slightly effeminate, he sports long gold fingernails and gold hoops and chains, which hang from random spots on his face.
Not unlike the battle scenes from the Lord of the Rings trilogy where beasts are sent out to destroy men, Xerxes unleashes mammoth rhinos and carnivorous giants. Being the typical detestable villain he is, he spends his days watching from afar as his peons quickly die off and parties with over-sexed, moaning Persian women by night.
Snyder would not be the least bit successful if his tactics were anything less than over-the-top. He takes things to extremes, he has to- and it works. His use of vivid colors against blacks and grays creates a dismal mood customary to other Frank Miller movies, like Sin City, and digital CGI techniques make ridiculously massive armies completely believable. Also, in a few scenes, like the one where the Persian messenger falls into a bottomless pit, and the one where the Persians are marched off the cliff, Snyder uses slow motion to create a frightening falling feeling.
Perhaps if its script were half as effective as its visual trickery, “300” would be the best movie ever made. But unfortunately, the main character says things like, “This is where we fight. This is where they die.” The love between Leonidas and Gorgo felt true at times, but for the most part it felt like there was much more opportunity for character development that wasn’t seized upon. Instead, boob shots and sex scenes were randomly thrown in because they could be. Though “300” may not be the best movie ever made, it’s definitely not the worst. If the recent lull in glamorous epics has left you craving mind-blowing special effects and elaborate costumes and makeup, this movie will fill you right up. Just don’t forget the earplugs.